HELL FROZEN (or Slushed) OVER:
A DIVINE BICYCLING COMEDY
You are about to embark on an other-worldly tour a’ la Dante’s Divine Comedy. In this race, you will visit The Inferno and experience the 9 deadliest sins of the bicyclist. Next, you will travel through Purgatorio and rightfully purge yourself of these wretched violations. And, finally, you will arrive cleansed at the ultimate goal, Paradisio, where you will finally be able to bask in the glory of a well-completed task. This venture is not for the faint of heart, so embark if you dare.
“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here...but you should keep your bicycles."
Wrath “And with their rage they will come after us with cruel bike tread.”
Limbo "These sinned not: but the merit they achieve helps not, since bicycles were not theirs.”
Lust “They let their two-wheeled desires pull Reason from her throne.”
Gluttony “And they took up clods of burgers, bacon and beef with full fist and crammed them into their madly ravening maws.”
Heresy “That Shade kept bitterly blaspheming saying, What art thou and what is that asinine contraption you ride?”
Spendthriftery“Ill-giving, Ill-hoarding, lost in the light of the bike world, and in this spending caught.”
Violence “And turn thy bikes toward the Valley, for draws near the River of Blood, wherein are boiling drivers that live by violence and on biker’s fear.”
Fraud “Tell me who ye are and what breed your bike is made, however loathly and foul it be.”
Treachery “For to thy shame, accursed biker thou! I’ll tell the truth of what thy treachery was.”
“And to that second kingdom will I pedal,
Wherein the human spirit doth purge itself.”
“Arrived I saw me a wondrous thing and rode myself towards its sight!”